The Courtship Commandments: By Rachel

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The following list is intended to be somewhat satirical.

The Courtship Commandments

1. Thou shalt prize thy emotional, spiritual, and physical virginity above all else, as it is a special gift to be given to thy spouse on thy wedding night.

2. Thou shalt never be alone with thy intended, for, as Jeremiah remindeth us, “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked.” Therefore, thou shalt not be without the supervision of a chaperon. After all, everyone shall act the same when alone with thee, as they did in front of thy family.

3. Thou shalt not hold hands, kiss, or hug (other than a brief side hug) for that may spark desire, and lead thou and thine into unforgivable sin.

4. Thou shalt not have crushes, nor enter into a relationship with one whom thou will not marry, for if thou dost so, thy heart shall be irrevocably compromised, and shall not be able to adequately love thy future spouse.

5. Thou shalt adore, revere, and worship thy father and mother, since they are the direct voice of God in thy life

6. Thou shalt utterly spurn any male who doth not first approach thy father to discuss his interest in thee.

7. Thou shalt always treat thine intended as thy brother or sister in Christ in all purity, forgetting not that any desire for physical relations with thy betrothed is sin.

8. Thy body belongs to thy future spouse, therefore, thou shalt not defraud him/her, through any means.

9. Thou shalt loudly proclaim that God is capable of restoring the damage done to thy emotions/heart/body, done when thou didst not know any better, yet vehemently declare any person who doth not live up to thy laws to be damaged goods.

10. Thou shalt always remember that Emotional Purity + Biblical Courtship = Godly Marriage.

11. Thou shalt carefully screen thy son/daughter’s future prospects, and pressure them into the match which thou determinest to be the fittest for them.

12. Thou shalt look down upon those who, through worldly influences and corruption, allow their children to date.

13. Courtship is to dating what homeschooling is to public schooling – the obvious Godly choice for thy house, and to be followed if thou desirest to say ‘As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord’.

14. Thou shalt attend purity balls, wear purity rings, and claim thy father or thy Lord as thy spouse in the interim.

15. Thou shalt feverishly work on thy hope chest, learn traditional tasks done by thy gender, in preparation for the traditional western gender roles which thou shalt assume after thy nuptials.

16. Thou shalt not become close friends with an individual of the opposite gender, for doth thou not know that it is emotional adultery?

17. Family knoweth best. Always. Thou shalt have no private communication without their knowledge and screening. Thy brothers art thy guardians.

18. When asked by strangers whether or not thou dateth, thou shalt always reply that thou escheweth such a worldly form of relationships, and passionately proclaim the wonders of courtship.

19. Thou shalt save thy first kiss for the altar on thy wedding day.

20. Thou shalt be committed to a virtual stranger, during thy courtship.

21. Thou shalt hold thy intended to the high standard of Fitzwilliam Darcy, and loudly bemoan the lack of “real men” in thy generation.

22. Thou shalt marry the first person thou courteth, for otherwise thou shalt have given away an irreplaceable piece of thy heart.

23. Thy heart hath only so much love to give. Squander it not.

24. The man is the initiator. Thou shalt not, if female, express interest in one who has not already expressed interest in thee.

25. Thou shalt always, above all, GUARD THY HEART.

5 comments

  • Scary but so funny, and yet very true. I only came out of the “liberal” end of the courtship cult and still messed me up.

  • Eleanor Skelton

    YES….. >.<

  • 26. Thou shalt not attempt to procure sex ed for thyself, for surely if thou shouldst know the names of thy sexual organs thou shalt masturbate, thus robbing thy future spouse thine first experiences of sex.

  • Number 17 was creepy for me – since the brother who abused me acted like he owned me and my sisters. In a creepy way it was like he was trying to keep us for himself. And sick too, since he was the one abusing not protecting. Yuck, yuck, f*cking disgusting!

  • “Thou shalt hold thy intended to the high standard of Fitzwilliam Darcy, and loudly bemoan the lack of “real men” in thy generation.” Oh hey, myself from ages 10-21.

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