10 Things Your [ex]Fundy Almost-Ex Husband Will Do During Your Divorce

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The following post was submitted to HA by an anonymous contributor.

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1) Pretend nothing is wrong when you tell him things aren’t working until you start making changes to make yourself happier and saner. And then he’ll snap.

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2) When you suggest finding a therapist, he’ll tell you you don’t need meds and suggest that maybe you should try talking to your pastor instead.

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3) Finally starts listening to things you’ve been saying for months, and abruptly co-opts feminist lingo and tells you that you’re gaslighting and oppressing him because you’re calling him on his shit.

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4) Gets angry and resentful when he learns that (since you’re not allowed to go to a therapist) you’re talking to your mom\best friend\non-Christian yoga buddy about your marriage problems.

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5) Offers to sit down and make a list of ways he wants to change and make you feel more secure in your relationship. Tries to follow through for 3-5 days. Stops following through and tells you it’s just too hard to please you.

 

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6) Agrees to try something sexually experimental for your marital track record. Freaks out when it’s too good or makes him realize he’s probably bi. Stops initiating sex, until he realizes other men find you attractive. Suggests a fuck-buddies relationship with no strings attached if you break up. Get angry when you say no.

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7) Does something out of character and surprising right before pulling the plug. This may be violence, a one-night stand, financial rashness, stalking you, or some other risky and reckless activity. Refuses to see a problem with his choice when you lay out the negative ramifications these actions have for you. Because autonomy.

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8) Gets irrationally fixated and obsessed with the idea that you are abusive and\or cheating on him. Tells his pastor\parents that you’re abusive. Especially because you’re crying a lot and it makes him uncomfortable. Accuses you of having an affair.

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9) Gets surprisingly petty about dividing up stuff and suddenly cares about things you didn’t think he remembered you owning. Gets malicious about making the process as difficult for you as possible in revenge for making him Feel Things. Accuses you of depriving him of fatherhood by not being willing to try to make a baby as a last-ditch effort to save the relationship.

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10) Moves on to someone who doesn’t make him think or feel uncomfortable about himself at all, a lot more quickly than you think he should. Blocks you on social media when he starts posting pictures with her.

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4 comments

  • Honestly, this is true for anyone, not just heterosexual husbands. Many fundies want to defend against positive change—almost to the death. I actually read this with my mom’s voice in my head (she’s said variations of most of that crap).

  • Loving that this was accompanied by pictures from Buffy 😀

  • Wait is the guy an ex-fundy or a still-fundy? These behaviors are not specific to fundies. Breaking up and divorce are messy. The person who initiates is way ahead of the other person. Speaking from experience as the wife/dumpee, the other person is usually blind sided and goes through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. It is not fun. I have also had to extricate myself from a relationship as the dumper – also not fun.

    Unfortunately all women are at great risk when they try to leave a relationship. Nicole Brown would attest to that but she can’t because her ex killed her.

  • Just fyi, if you get to the point where you need out but you don’t know where to start, most states have lawyer referral services to help you find an experienced attorney – in this case, you need someone who knows family law. A Google search will help you find yours – as an example, here is my state’s site (full disclosure: I’m an attorney who mostly practices family law; I’m not eligible to be listed through the site yet because I have only been in practice for a year): http://www.scbar.org/publicservices/findalawyer.aspx

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