We Wrote Headlines Like We Were Upworthy. You Won’t Believe What Happened Next.

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By R.L. Stollar, HA Community Coordinator

Homeschoolers Anonymous has been accused at various points of using “Slate-esque” titles to grab people’s attention. Honestly, I prefer to select titles that are direct quotations from the individual stories submitted to us. But yes, sometimes when writing about a news item or the latest drama or development in the homeschool world, I will use a hyperbolic title. Sometimes that makes the difference between a story getting a few hundred views or going viral.

But.

But I will promise you that we will do our best to avoid “Upworthy-esque” titles. Because I cannot stand them. I also feel that, when combined with the serious disturbing content we usually feature, using exploitive titles not only can be disrespectful… it also just doesn’t work. To demonstrate why — and hopefully give you something to laugh about after the last few weeks’ worth of intense and dissenting narratives about students experiences at Patrick Henry College (and we’ll get back to that series next Monday, by the way) — I wrote a few (sometimes imaginary) headlines as if they were made by Upworthy.

You might never see the world the same way again.

*****

These Kids Aren’t Lovin’ It, So They’re Speaking Up About It.

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This Homeschooled Kid Was Never Taught To Read. You Have To See The Results To Believe Them!

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If Homeschool Families Knew These Historical Tidbits About HSLDA, Would They Still Be Members?

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Here Are 10 Books About Courtship That Missed The Mark. And Here Are 10 Amazing GIFS That Explain Why They’re Totally Not Worth Sharing.

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Here Are Some Insults Too Many Gay People Have Heard. Which Homeschool Leaders Said Them Might Not Surprise You.

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Let’s Talk About Patriarcy In Homeschooling And Why It’s More Common Than Michael Farris Might Think.

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It Was Her Homeschool Prom. She Was Wearing Something That Made Her Happy. Then It Got Worse From There.

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We Photoshopped Kevin Swanson’s Head Onto A Shirtless Brian Ray’s Body And The Final Product Will Shock You.

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This Book By Josh Harris Was Written When He Was Just A Teenager, But The Unrealistic Purity Standards Behind It Are 100% Still With Us.

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10 Perfect Emojis For The Next Time A Homeschool Leader Uses A Racial Slur.

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Are These From BDSM Porn Or Christian Music? The Answers Might Rock Your World.

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She Used To Socialize With Her Own Peer Group. Then She Was Forced To Stop. The Reason Why Could Change Your Life.

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These Little Red Dots On The Map Show All The Cities Where Homeschooled Kids Have Been Abused. Wow, That’s A Lot Of Little Red Dots.

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Bill Gothard Didn’t Double Check To See If The “Umbrella Of Protection” Was Actually Mentioned In The Bible — But Maybe He Should’ve

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What’s Going On With The Old Schoolhouse Is Kinda Weird. Like, Horror Movie Weird.

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An HSLDA Attorney Called a Child Abuser A “Hero.” Watch What Happens Next.

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And finally, just for fun, here’s if we wrote titles like Matt Walsh:

CHILD ABUSE-LOVING RELIGIOUS FASCISTS HAVE ONCE AGAIN DEMONSTRATED THEIR “FAMILY VALUES”

…yeah, we’re glad we don’t write titles like Matt Walsh, either.

6 comments

  • :suppressed laughter from my corner of the office:

  • Headless Unicorn Guy

    We Photoshopped Kevin Swanson’s Head Onto A Shirtless Brian Ray’s Body And The Final Product Will Shock You.

    Considering Womb Tomb Swanson has always looked dorky to me, that combination is genuinely Frightening.

  • I know it is meant to be funny, but it makes me terribly sad.

  • I think you should go ahead and publish the third one and the last one. 😀

  • I have no idea what people are talking about. I’ve never found the titles on here to be misleading or over the top. It’s the internet I suppose. If people didn’t complain about things that make what we normally call first world problems look life shattering, the internet would be a very different place.

    • Agreed, asoundinthesilence. My hope is that this list will prove inspirational, and that we will be blessed with multitudes of photo-shopped patriarchs in the days to come.

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