Self: Sarah

Self: Sarah

Sarah blogs at Who I Am WIthout You.

Trigger warning: self-injury.

I am a member of the family
I am a member of the housework crew
I am my parent’s possession
I am their trophy
I am a representative for Christ
I am a future mother in a future family preparing to serve a future husband

I am not an individual.

Feelings are superfluous, needs are selfishness, I do not know the vocabulary of self.

I am depressed overly dramatic
I am hungry gluttonous
I am tired and overworked lazy
I am sick weak
I have anxiety lack faith
I need affirmation whine too much
I need privacy am selfish
I need to be respected punished

I do not deserve to have needs.

So I take tweezers and tear a blade out of my father’s razor. And I keep the razor in a tiny jewelry box that my grandma gave me, under the cotton, because nobody can see it, because using it is selfish, and I am ashamed. But nothing compares to the relief of sliding the blade across the soft parts of my thighs, my calves, my ankles, my wrists.

Simultaneously punishing myself and expressing my hurt.

People deserve love
people deserve support
people deserve respect
But I don’t know these things

Because I am not an individual
I am not a person
I do not know the vocabulary of self.

7 comments

  • This is very powerful. Thank you.

  • Headless Unicorn Guy

    I am a member of the family
    I am a member of the housework crew
    I am my parent’s possession
    I am their trophy
    I am a representative for Christ
    I am a future mother in a future family preparing to serve a future husband

    I am breeding stock for future male Culture Warriors.

    I am not Sarah. Sarah does not exist.

    And cutting something that does not exist is not really cutting. You can’t be self-destructive if there is no Self to destruct.

  • Sweetheart, I hope you are okay now. I want to go to your blog to check on you, but that was about all the triggering material I could take. This was difficult for me to read because so much of it is true to my own experience. It took a few years after high school for me to be able to say “I think this” or “I do this” instead of “We think this” or “We do this.” In fact, I still have trouble with that. But we are individuals, worthy of respect and being listened to, and our womanhood does not make us lesser beings. I’m trying to work that out now, and I think you are too.

  • Of all the stories on here, this one made me cry because I too have been nothing.

  • Pingback: People who take your ‘self’ away from you | Running With A Book Cart

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